I have a furious soul

I have a furious soul.
Tumultuous, spinning, charging, raging, yearning.
Anger, sadness, passion, frustration, love, hope, strength:
I feel them always and all at once.
Like bulls charging through a gorge,
Only to be stopped at my mind in an awful burst
Of anguish I can only explain as
The black crush of deep waters on ones chest
While trying to breath.
Like a Sun inside my chest burning so hot,
And spinning so fast
It threatens to explode from its enclosure
With its last words raging:
"I AM ALIVE."

Complexity of mind, heart and soul--
I've never known what it meant to feel one thing.
Reverberation, doubled back on itself,
Constructive interference that destroys
The edifices of thought until all that’s left
Is the chaos of passion pointed in every direction
And thus moving nowhere.
I had always been so confused.
I had always been searching, hoping, fighting, burning--
Yearning for that which I couldn't have.
A truth so poignant my entire existence hinged
On the teetering vibrations
Of the blood pulsing
Through each heartbeat
Of a newborn child.

In the silent moment of a prayer,
In the innocence of a kiss,
In the effulgent love of a hug,
Or the sobbing tidal wave of flowing tears.
In the weight of your friends as you carry them to bed.
In giving of myself until there was nothing left.
In forgetting myself--
I found what I needed,
But it was always fleeting--

Time and time again
I would throw myself from out
My mind and frantically search
The haystack until
The truth would appear
In the murky waters of
The world I see today.
In the shadows of the sea
A tendril I dared to grasp,
Would slip away
But not before it
Took my fingers as it slipped through me.
Leaving me with nothing but
The rough apparatus of self
That frightened me so,
I dared not look in the mirror.
Afraid of what I might see--
Nay.
Afraid of what I might be.
Hoping that I could someday become
A real boy.
I never knew what that was.

Suddenly that which had evaded me for so long--
That which I didn't even known I was searching for
I found.
An inner peace and calmness.
An understanding of my place,
A comfort inside my own skin--
As if I had finally reached my final being,
And this mis-sized suit that I had been
So embarrassed by,
For so many years,
Finally graced me with its trust enough to
Finally fit.
As if from out the volcanoes heart
The tree of life eternal sprouted
Bearing fruit of solace,
There upon a fiery soul.
And each tear of sadness
Passed too and fro
Until I knew,
Those nights I grieved
Thus passed to
Cool the lava’s core.

I finally knew that it would all be ok.
That I could walk into the depths of hell,
And burn until I could not move
And laugh at what I was.
That I had found that rocky path,
That leads you from the dark forests of self,
And warm slumbers of passion,
Unto the very slopes of knowledge
That let us know ourselves.
And there upon the mountain gleaming,
Heart within my hand I stand
One thousand daggers poised on my back,
The hang mans noose around my neck,
The ticking clock of this physical garment,
And I know no harm will befall me.
Not one iota of my blood,
Nor hair upon my tear drenched face,
Or one last curse from out my mouth,
Would escape me if I never failed.
If I never floundered,
If I never threw myself from understanding,
Unto the shattered rocks below.
The heights of this transcendent
Feeling that I enjoy
With all my being,
Needing nothing more
Or less as I stand here,
Without myself.
If virtue was my compass,
And this Truth my only solace
I could live upon that mountain top,
Never descending to the valleys,
Having overcome the tribulation
That I call myself.

And so bulls subsided to their greener pastures.
And the sun succumbed to cool empathy.
And that tangled web of emotions and thoughts,
Suddenly faded down into a murmur of acceptance
I had never thought I would hear.
Who I am today was all that remained.

As the tears assisted me
In guiding my hands to my face
And tracing the subtle lines of
Many grimaces past,
And sarcastic gestures of the present.
A chance encounter with my lips,
Presented me with a confounded smile.
And so I grabbed it,
So hard that it hurt:
The last tangible tendril,
Of the soothing scriptures,
That then and there,
Had changed my life.

I have a furious soul.
But it is one that fuels me,
Draws me out into the world.
That pushes me so hard that muscles tear
In screaming fits of passion
That demand me to be aware.
This is the engine burning,
Turning, toiling, tearing,
Searching, growing, learning,
Changing, bringing strength
That I have too much of,
For those who need a shielding
Hand,
Or a gentle kiss.
I have a furious soul,
But I also have a calm and gentle hand
And inner peace.