Serenity

I have spent the past few days doing a hodgepodge of job search and applications, re-exploring the Bay Area, and simply being. I'm not going to lie, I'm really not sleeping enough, not eating right, and in pretty terrible pain because I just started running again.

As for the positive:
*I love my family, I love being around them thoroughly. I am continuing to build the relationships with them that I wasn't able to build when I was younger. I am picking up projects to do with them so we can make up for those lost younger years, but more importantly, because I want to do them.
*I have been dreaming. Not in the sense that I am engrossed in a story that I have trouble understanding. I am waking up, knowing exactly what needs to be done. I feel like I am being guided to a mental, emotional, spiritual and PHYSICAL place I need to be in this world. Mentally, I'm there, emotionally I've got a work to do, spiritually, oh lordy read me them prayers, but physically, I am close but far.

To expand: I know I have to be on a coast or in the mountains. I am at peace in these places. The sheer enormity and power that is nature grounds my fears, my sorrows, my melancholy and transforms it into something beautiful. A serenity of mind, heart and and soul that I can only achieve through meditation otherwise. Something about linking myself with the huge and immobile, and realizing how small I really am.

The moment I see the pettiness of my existence, I am able to escape the veils that I create for myself and achieve that happiness I thrive on. I have know this feeling around certain people, but this is a part of it I can achieve on my own.

Lastly: I'm a bit intuitive , but I don't trust the feeling much further then I can throw it (A friend of mine laughed at the idea of intuition. She thought it was all observation and a keen mind. I'm one to agree, kind of). I'm learning to trust it in certain situations, and I'm not going to lie, I think I am going to end up in Davis for work, or not going to be working at all. I'm ok with it. I thought I had to escape the place to acheive who I am, but that is silly and short sighted. There may be a place I have to be eventually, but wherever I am in the meanwhile is a place for me to grow.

So I just keystyled this, but its fitting:

I love to love. I love to care. I love to cry. I love the air. The crisp sensation, that cuts your breath. The fire in your lungs, the right and left. I cannot express, what tears evoke. I love to love. I love to hope.